King Nickelous

If I could be an X-Men villain, his name would be King Nickelous.

His powers would basically be that of Magneto's, the ability to control and manipulate metal, but restricted to American currency. The nickel would be my coin of choice. I would use everyone's good friend, Thomas Jefferson, to punch holes in bank vaults, blow out the tires of armored vehicles, and even use them to fly if I could glue enough to the bottom of my shoes.

Certainly, I would employ the service of Lincoln, Roosevelt, Washington, hell, maybe even JFK from time to time, but as long as there are sufficient nickels around, you can bet that these coins-of-choice are the ones that will be flying at your face, should you be standing between me and my dastardous goals.

I would start small in my life of crime. I would sit on park benches and use my mind to carefully float the coins out of peoples pockets without them knowing. There you are, walking around with two quarters in your pocket, while the guy you are strolling by has five dimes. Then, BAM! Now you've got the dimes, and that other guy is walking away with your quarters.

FEEL THE WRATH OF KING NICKELOUS

I would go to an ice-cream shop and steal nickels out of the cash-register with my mind. I would float those nickels over to some kids ice cream and submerse them deep within his tasty treat. One moment he's licking ice cream, and the next, he's licking NICKELS. Only god knows where those nickels have been (God and myself, that is). For all he knows, he's licking nickels that have run the course of the digestive track belonging to that weird stray dog with a skin condition.

Eventually I would use my power over Jefferson for personal gain. I would find an armored truck full of money and use the nickels within to pelt the passengers unconscious. I would then lift the entire truck with those coins and take it to my secret hideout, which, incidentally, will be in the shape of a nickel, where I would extract the precious money and use it to further expand my glorious empire.

Once I melt down enough nickels and use that metal to forge a battle suit, I would be unstoppable. My battle suit, the ‘Nickel-Tastic’ would allow me to fly, deflect bullets, or simply look like a total badass. Unlike most villains, including magneto, sadly enough, I will not construct a costume that requires me to wear my all-too-tight underwear on the outside. That style is reserved for only two people in this world: Superman and Quailman. And yes, I did just drop a 'Doug' reference.

So beware, you people living in the peaceful community of wherever: the day you come home with coins in your pocket that aren't quite in the same denominations as when you put them there, it will signify the beginning of something big. Hear me when I say that it will sure as hell take a lot more than Hugh Jackman and a blue Kelsey Grammer to stop me.

Beware your Nickels...

Beware King Nickelous.

above: click for enlarged awesomeness.