Voting

I voted today.

It’s a great feeling. I always walk away with my head held high, chest puffed out and grinning at anyone that walks by. Today’s polling place was hosted by a retirement home, so it turned out I was actually hitting on a bunch of elderly people this time. While leaving, I grinned at this one old lady sitting at the receptionist desk and so she hit the button to have the door automatically open for me so I didn’t even have to touch it. I turned around and gave her the patented finger snap combined with my irresistible sideways grin. The cocky one. My pure, unadulterated awesomeness induced her to orgasm so hard that her heart gave out. Poor thing.

The point is, voting is great for one’s self esteem. It is one of those rare moments where you feel like your voice is heard. You feel like your opinion actually makes a difference in this country. That is, until the person standing in front of you is retarded.

Literally, the person standing before me in line to vote has a mental handicap. My emotions flare and just before I burn this old-folks home to the ground and pee-pee on the ashes, I hear familiar mumbling behind me. I turn to discover that I am actually in the midst of ten or so individuals, all with mental handicaps and ballots in their hands. This must be a fieldtrip planned by the “School for the Mentally Handicapped, Yet Remarkably Political” because they have all come here to cast their votes. Votes decided this morning, no doubt, over a nice bowl of potato chips in milk.

Easy, now. Put down those pitchforks and give this some thought. I will be the first person to stand up and advocate rights for those with mental deficiencies, but we need to keep this in perspective.

Fact: It is a federal offense to vote under the influence of alcohol or other mind-altering substances.

Why?

Fact: One cannot legally enter into a contract of any sort unless they are of sane mind.

So,

Fact: When voting, one must sign their name to verify their identity and are therefore entering into a contract stating that they are who they say they are.

Finally,

Fact: I once saw a mentally handicapped person pry open a peanut butter and jelly sandwich only to stick the jelly side to their forehead while they licked the peanut butter off the other half. These actions do not exemplify a person of sane mind.

Therefore, and I’ll connect these dots for everyone, a person with a mental deficiency is not of sane mind and cannot legally vote. The idea is that we don’t want people who are not thinking clearly going out and casting votes for the leader of our country. If I am not allowed to vote under the influence of alcohol, then you should not be allowed to vote under the influence of retarded.

above: Liberty