The Pimpingest President in American History

“Fuck Taft!”

- Teddy Roosevelt on William Howard Taft

above: Theodore Roosevelt

Some of us remember him as “the mustached dude” who ran around making Fair Deals. Some remember him as the one that said "Speak softly and carry a big stick", but believe it or not, there is more to Theodore Roosevelt than meets the eye. This man was a machine. A machine who’s sole purpose was to manufacture pure awesome. Liquid awesome.

For this reason, it is my opinion that Theodore Roosevelt was The Pimpingest President in all of American History.

Interesting Pimp-Facts:

As a boy, little Theodore’s father forced him to take boxing lessons to ward off the bullies that had a habit of flushing his face in the latrines. This problem arose due to his size and various ailments that plagued him during his childhood, namely asthma. His father’s actions would carry Roosevelt into a lifetime love for boxing. So much love, in fact, Roosevelt would invite people to the white house for meetings and then later, to box in a boxing ring set up in one of the state rooms. Supposedly, he would tell people he wanted them to visit the White House for business matters, but would offer them gloves the moment they stepped through the door. He did this a lot.

above: TR after having boxed an elephant to death

Finishing up business with a nice one-two to the face is just one example of what a bitchingly pimp-righteous president Roosevelt was. Another example? Sure. In 1908, he was permanently blinded in his left eye during one of his boxing bouts in the White House and didn’t even care.

Also, he invented the term White House. I guess he figured The Executive Mansion was too boring a name for his presidential pimp-crib. I think we can all agree.

During the worst of the outbreaks, Roosevelt used the Army's medical service to eliminate the yellow fever menace and install a new regime of public health. Yes, you read that right: He used the U.S. Army to murder the yellow fever.

When he wasn’t committing genocide unto various diseases, Roosevelt was helping with the design of add-ons to his presidential home. He decided the White House needed to have a West Wing and promptly began the design-work. This is apparently because he could see into the future and knew that there would be a popular television show called the West Wing some 100 years later. I should also note that he was a fan of dramas.

Roosevelt was the inspiration for the monopoly guy. Parker Bros. has yet to return my phone calls to verify this "fact", but c’mon:

above: c’mon!

According to historians, “He had a photographic memory and developed a life-long habit of devouring books, memorizing every detail.” Re-read that last quote: the man devoured books.

Roosevelt is known across the globe as having been the inventor of the pimp-hat. As illustrated with photos throughout the rest of this article, you will find that it was a long and tiresome journey. The process was a multi-staged ordeal.

above: first stage of the Roosevelt Pimp-Hat

At one point he accidentally invented a globally recognized tagline with his offhand remark, "good to the last drop," in reference to some coffee he drank at the Maxwell House hotel in Tennessee. There is no punchline in this paragraph, only liquid awesome.

According to texts: “He could multitask in extraordinary fashion, dictating letters to one secretary and memoranda to another, all while browsing through a new book.” The texts don’t specify as to whether or not he was also juggling butcher knives at the time, so we can only assume he was. The texts go on to say “He was an eloquent conversationalist who, throughout his life, sought out the company of the smartest people.” So that he could box with them.

above: second stage of the Roosevelt Pimp-Hat

Upon graduating from Harvard, Roosevelt underwent a physical examination and his doctor advised him that due to serious heart problems, he should find a “desk job” and avoid strenuous activity. Roosevelt chose to embrace strenuous life instead, as well as embrace the doctor with a punch in the face.

Roosevelt decided that the currency of his day was simply too boring and became the first to put a human face on American coins. Who’s face did he decide upon, you ask? Well only the second most pimpingest president to date: Abraham Lincoln. Oddly enough, Roosevelt did not perform this service in tribute to the greatness of the late president Lincoln, but as a demonstration of his apprehension that Lincoln might reign in history as “Pimpingest Prez”. His speech to the public is noted for being remarkably short and to the point:

“Nobody likes a Lincoln, and nobody likes a penny. I have combined the two so we can hate them as one. Fuck that guy.”

above: third stage of the Roosevelt Pimp-Hat

Having been promoted to Colonel in the Spanish-American war, Roosevelt preferred to be known as "Colonel Roosevelt" or "The Colonel.", even after he had returned to his civilian life. The public called him "Teddy", a name which he loathed and would subsequently earn you a he-smack to the dome, but political friends and others who worked closely with Roosevelt customarily addressed him by his rank. Which is effing awesome.

Not only did Roosevelt receive the Nobel Peace prize for helping negotiate the end of the Russo-Japanese War, but he was awarded the Medal of Honor for commanding his Rough Riders in the dual charge on both Kettle Hill and San Juan Hill during the Spanish-American War on July 1, 1898. He is the only person in history to receive both his nation's highest honor for military valor and the world's foremost prize for peace. I’ll reword that last statement for everyone: he got the highest achievements possible in two opposite things. The man could kill you to death and still be honored for his advancements in world peace.

above: fourth stage of the Roosevelt Pimp-Hat

Assassination Attempt:

On October 14, 1912, a saloonkeeper named John Schrank attended one of Roosevelt’s speeches and took a shot at him, lodging a bullet in his chest. Before piercing Roosevelt’s extra thick man-flesh, however, the bullet traveled through his eyeglasses case as well as a folded copy of the 50 page speech he was carrying in his jacket pocket.

above: assassinated speech

Roosevelt, having not even fallen down, decided that the fact that he wasn't coughing blood meant the bullet hadn’t done enough damage to keep him from still giving the freaking speech. In what may be the pimpingist act ever performed in presidential history, Roosevelt delivered his 90 minute speech with blood seeping into his shirt. The awesomeness is further emphasized by the fact that he still read the same copy that had two holes in every page and without his reading glasses.

above: assassinated reading glasses

Afterwards, doctors determined it would be more dangerous to attempt to remove the bullet than to leave it in place. Roosevelt carried it with him until he died. It is noted that Roosevelt was saddened by this news as he had been hoping to “bling-ify” the removed bullet with a gold chain in tribute to his “fallen homies”.

above: fifth and final stage of the Roosevelt Pimp-Hat