Book Titles

I think I’ve broken the code for coming up with a title for new novels: use ominous sounding contradictions or oxymorons.

I saw a novel on somebody’s desk titled Innocent Traitor and thought to myself “oh no, you di’int”. A stupid title, no doubt, but one that necessitates the passerby to wonder: how can a traitor be innocent? Are they an unwilling accomplice, their family taken hostage and threatened with murder unless this ‘innocent traitor’ shoots the president? You start to wonder if perhaps the author might actually know what’s up, having named his book something so deviously provocative.

Then you realize you don’t care and move on.

It has been said that naming a novel correctly can help determine whether or not a book will sell. I’ve come up with a short list of enticing oxymoron/contradictory novel titles for you to peruse at your leisure, feel free to use them if you write a book:

• The Guilty Law-Abider
• Shadows at Noon
• A Speedy Yugo
• The Clever Retard
• Hot Ice
• Comcast not Sucking Fat Cock
• Parallelograms that are, in fact, not Parallel
• Violent Peace
• Peaceful Violence
• Filthy Soap
• Soapy Filth
• Foapy Silth
• Silthy Foaps

Of course, the world doesn’t need my help coming up with stupid book titles…